It’s pretty crazy to think about how long I’ve been in the military, and that it’s now over. 11 years is a significant portion of anyone’s life, but the fact that it is also the only experience I have of being an adult (I joined shortly after graduating high school) makes it particularly important.
I joined the Navy in search of a few things that I thought were missing when I was 17. First, I wanted to get out of my hometown, to see what else was out there. At 17, the furthest I had ever been from home was technically San Jose, California, but that’s pretty misleading. I was there for a weekend on a trip during high school, and other than that the furthest I’d ever been was to Orlando, also for a weekend. Growing up in New York State, I’d never even been to New York City, much less a truly foreign country. The furthest I could imagine moving on a permanent basis would have been Syracuse or Buffalo. Europe and Asia were remote monoliths I’d tried not to learn about in high school. Nevermind Africa and South America, those jungle countries (to my teenage mind). The world was totally foreign to me, and so I wanted to see what was out there. That was a big reason for me to join.
Another reason I joined was because I had really low self-esteem in high school, and I thought the Navy could help me fix that. The propaganda that the Navy puts forward, the heroic images of tough men driving boats through black waters with their jacked bros, looking stone-cold and badass, had a big effect on me. I fell under its spell again at the Naval Academy, so I guess it’s just something that gets me. Unfortunately, the Navy isn’t a magical self-esteem machine. I did end up figuring out a lot about myself, but the Navy’s teachings in this area were mostly useless, and I still get really depressed sometimes. Oh well.
I left the Navy, even though I was good at it, because as William Gibson put it, “some jumps you have to decide on for yourself. Just figure there’s something better waiting for you somewhere.” That’s how I felt about the Navy. In some ways, I hated it: how it became my entire life, how it limited my freedom so fundamentally. And in some ways I loved it: loved how I was basically a celebrity as an officer, how I could get in front of a group of people and they would all listen to me, how I could get ahead just by learning my job better than the next guy. Mostly though, I just figured there’s something better waiting for me out there. Perhaps I’m wrong. Time will tell.